THE GREEN BAG

54

THE LIGHTER SIDE A LEGAL NIGHTMARE BY DONALD RICHBERG PRELUDE The order of events was this: A comic opera, floundering deep In legal tangles, followed by Two cocktails, lobster, restless sleep! THE DREAM

I dreamed I came to try a case Into a darkened room, "Twas oceans broad and mountains high And solemn as a tomb. Then sudden, as by magic wand, Blazed forth a thousand lights; A judge strode out in royal robes, A jury in pink tights! The prisoner came from bar to bar, And then my toil began; I knew him guilty for he was The chief comedian! He hardly let me say a word, He joked the judge until I raised objection; when the judge Roared out to me: " Keep still!" And next the judge's "lady friend," Just off upper Broadway, Danced in and joined him on the Bench And stroked his locks of gray. I made a motion to dismiss, The lady said: "Absurd; 0 judgie dear — my latest song I'm sure you have not heard." Then ten policemen did a dance With ten new divorcees, Who were in court to get more cash To pay attorneys' fees. 1 dreamed the judge's "lady friend" Sung seventeen encores, While jury, "cops" and divorcees Marched up and down in fours —

I dreamed the judge did "buck and wing" Upon his flat-top desk; The minute clerk, as Father Time, Did sixty seconds burlesque. I dreamed a lobster came to court And loudly wailed its grief; It had been stolen and it swore My client was the thief. I tried to speak; the prisoner rose And said he'd never seen A lobster that was not well read, While this was plainly green. I tried to speak; the bailiff came And beat upon my head, Then took the prisoner from his box And put me there instead. I tried to speak; the court announced Regardless of my fury, That, for my bold contempt, I should Be tried now by the jury! The jury held me innocent Of law and so in fact Acquitted; which, for ladies, was A gentlemanly act. The judge said: " Bosh, try him again; Hang him, 'twill please this lady;" Which, as a court procedure, seemed To me a trifle shady. The jury all retired to Effect a change of mind; The judge kissing his lady friend To show justice was blind! I felt my doom impending when There rose a mighty din; The jury change had taken place As soldiers they marched in. The judge was seized and forced to eat A deadly legal pill, While all the crowd joined hands and sang "The Flag of Bunker Hill." CHICAGO, ILL, December, 1905.